I am not doing well today.
It’s been a difficult week, emotionally. As someone who understands that feelings are just sensations in the body that we interpret as one thing or another, I have been working on not turning those ickies of what feels like fear into interpretations of loneliness, abandonment, friendlessness (which is one of the paths my brain chose to take), and blaming instead the consistently, objectively, large scale BAD STUFF that is undeniably contributing to my current state. War (Israel) and war (Sudan) and war (Ukraine), and climate catastrophes and brutality and heartlessness fucking everywhere our eyes choose to focus.
I think my irritability, acting out blame and frustration these days, may be a reaction to my futility in controlling the things that actually matter and that scare me the most: a no-holds-barred Trump presidency; a non-Trump presidency and civil war; the best case scenario of a non-Trump presidency, no civil war, and nearly half of eligible voters endorsing the rhetoric of hatred, violence, revenge, and antipathy. I can’t change that. But I can yell at B for misplacing a phone charger. And then feel like shit, of course. And then I can just focus on what a broken, horrible person I am and forget about the rest of the world. Doop-de-doop.
The range of news I can tolerate has gotten smaller and smaller. Not just that I don’t like it, and not just the constant reminder that the leaders of one of our two major political parties will literally put people’s lives on the line – both people they’d just as soon see dead and their own supporters – in an attempt to increase fear and anger and votes. Not just the nearly unbelievable compulsion to spread lies about legal, invited immigrants eating White people’s pets and the government blocking assistance to hurricane victims. It’s so much more than that: I feel physical pain whenever I hear an otherwise decent-sounding human tell a reporter they’re voting for Trump because “the economy” or “illegal immigrants” or when I hear anything personal out of Gaza or Lebanon or Sudan, or when I hear Americanness or masculinity or decency defined as cruelty, exclusion, fear, and violence; or when I hear people blaming the pain and emptiness in the pit of their stomachs on foreigners or trans people or poor people or non-Christians instead of the actual, intentional source that is the isolation, fear, and materialism, mandated by unfettered capitalism. Or just the burden of being human, if you prefer that. I’ve listened to NPR’s Morning Edition 4-7 days a week for 20-30 years. Now I can’t get through more than 5 minutes without rushing to mute my speakers, for fear of a total breakdown and inability to get through the work day. Even my comfort news is mostly unwatchable these days. Seth Meyers helped B & I get through COVID and everything since, not only because he’s delightful, hilarious, and a far leftist, but because he does the only Trump impersonation that both diminishes his power and allows me a little compassion for him – making him both more laughable and less terrifying. But I can’t sit through the show’s clips of his latest violent rhetoric or unabashed lies without screaming at the television or hunching over with my head in my hands, my eyes deep in my palms, just praying for it all to be over.
And here I am writing this – writing which feels more essential to my ability to get through the day than literally anything else – when I should SHOULD be making calls to Wisconsin voters (presumably helping keep Trump out of office) or signing up for more Voter Hotline shifts (presumably helping MN voters with information and voting issues) or preparing for my next Mindfulness Meditation class (presumably helping my students cope with whatever happens in the election) or doing the reading for my own MBSR class (presumably helping myself deal with this and all the rest of the stuff in my life) because I feel paralyzed by fear and sadness.
I can buffer this a bit by acknowledging that I am hormonal, and who knows what impact perimenopause is having on my mental state. In general, I’ve gotten off easy in the lottery of female chemistry, but it’s difficult not knowing if my heightened emotions, sensitivity, fragility in the last few years is private and personal or because the world, the country, humanity, is so fucking scary right now. Does it matter which? Probably not. Except to remind me that impermanence is reliable and real, when nothing else is.
There’s been an interesting shift for me in the past few months, and more subtly over the past few years, – from my default emotion – anger – to a less familiar one – sadness. When all of this cruelty and chaos manages to seep past my news filter I feel my heart unzipping, the zipper irretrievably separating. I know I should let it. That’s what the Buddhists say. Let your Heart Break Open. But then how do I get through the day? How do I do my stupid job and cook meals and interact with people I care about and enjoy the humor and beauty that makes life worth living? How do I do that if I’m curled up on the floor in tears?
Don’t worry, I still get angry over stupid, non-political shit. Just ask B. Poor B.
Today is the Day of Atonement. As usual, I am fasting but not so much Atoning. Instead I’m writing, which is pretty close for me. And, I guess, Confessing. Because I’m not great at being a Jew.
I feel like an open wound. I feel somehow responsible for everything and completely powerless. Which is simultaneously true (karma) and false (I can only control my own actions & reactions). I wish I had people to sit and cry with in community. Why don’t I have that? If I had it, would I just be doing that all the time? Surely someone, sometime, would tell us to stop, right? Or we’d run out of tears? Where is our grief circle for the death of compassion? I can’t even generate hatred for Trump anymore. I just feel so fucking sad that people buy into his shit. GOOD PEOPLE, as well as some irretrievably or near-impossibly fucked up people. Maybe too sick to be cured in this lifetime, so the best case scenario is dropping some breadcrumbs for the next. If you’re someone who believes everyone who doesn’t vote for Harris/Walz is stupid, utterly selfish, or unapologetically racist, then you are closing your eyes to a lot of worthwhile human beings. Those judgments apply to a lot of Trump voters, but not to half of the voting population. Why do I care that you don’t believe me? Because there is no bouncing back from the current self-destructive mutual fear and hatred if we oversimplify, build walls, and just bounce around our little bubbles. It’s certainly easier to demonize the other political side – their leaders and mouthpieces make it so fucking easy – but dehumanizing people is literally the beginning of every genocide, and every act of brutality ever. I can’t let myself buy into it. Which means that, instead of angry, I am heartbroken.
I am also subject to my hormones, and who knows what impact perimenopause is having on my mental state. I’ve had a winning ticket in the lottery of female chemistry, but it’s difficult not knowing if my heightened emotions, sensitivity, fragility in the last few years is private and personal or because the world, the country, humanity, is so fucking scary right now. Does it matter? Probably not.
Emotionally, I will feelbetter tomorrow. My period will start and the magnitude of these emotions will feel temporarily inaccessible. But only the magnitude of them. It doesn’t change the truth of any of this. And it doesn’t help me figure out the answer to what do I do? I’m a notorious dabbler; I have no clearly defined role in this life, or not one that is easy to translate into action. What should I be doing? (What is this should? What the fuck is that shit? I’ll tell you what it is: my evil voice. It says everything I do is wrong and/or not enough. It recently stuck me that I don’t think I’ve ever gone a full day in my life without hearing my evil voice – faintly or deafeningly – declaring that I SHOULD actually be doing something more useful, necessary, difficult, productive It’s like my parents were Capitalism & Catholicism; they were neither.) I have a serious spiritual practice, I’m a writer, I actively volunteer, I have been involved in election stuff. I don’t know where I should be putting in my energies and therefore they swirl and ball up into a knot inside me that sucks me dry. Because I’m overwhelmed with all of it. The state of the world, the state of and threats to the people in it, and how little I can do to change it.
The only times I can remember feeling good this week was when I was talking to folks at Peace House or participating in a Restorative Justice conference – the activities that take me out of myself and bring another, an “other”, person into clearer focus and care and community. So if that feels good, I should do more of that, right? Well, first, it’s not easy to just increase that time commitment, but secondly, I don’t know if I should be doing what feels good. Maybe the torture of phone banking is just what this world needs from me. Is it?
Of course there are no right answers. Truly. I believe that, underneath my evil voice. I will probably phone bank if only to fight off my evil self’s future insistence that I caused Trump to win (what an ego!). I’m not looking for any sympathy or any answers, here. Any answers you might provide will be rationalized into what I have already chosen to believe. And I am truly, as they say, fine. But I’d love to hear if this resonates with any of you. I know I’m not alone, but I’m feeling very alone this October 2024. You?











I understand Climate Depression; I’ve definitely sunk into it a few times this year. (The More You Know!) But what haunts me far more frequently is Climate Anxiety. It manifests as a pair of equally insidious Mxs. (plural for Mx.) Yuck-type parasites that sit on my shoulders, choking off any organic action, shouting contradictory half-remembered rules before every eco-related decision I make, and squeezing out any space reserved for the mythical good angel, who would tells me that I am okay. Well, eco-decisions can’t happen more than a couple times a day, right? Oh ho ho, if only you were right. You see, the indomitable bond of too much climate knowledge and too much self-criticism is far more powerful than either one alone, hamfisting its way into my consciousness in countless ways. For example:
And sometimes you just have to accept that you’re in a bad place, and try not to spread it around. The compulsion is to try to justify it with the things you’ve failed at, the ways you feel you’re not supported by your partner or community, the demands of your job, the horrors of the government, your kids, climate change. It is all of that and none of it, but addressing any of it while in this state is downright dangerous. You can justify anything – any outburst, any insult, any rebellion – but that’s just because you’re clever, not because you’re right. And the outcome of any reactive interaction in this state will likely hurt you or someone else.
There’s a theory that one of the reasons humans are so depressed and anxious is because life is too easy. We are animals, and animal subconscious is primarily consumed with 3 duties:
Woman & Guy go out for dinner & a movie at the art museum. Pleasant conversation follows – good film, bad audience; good food, bad waiter – as they join the line of cars waiting to exit the parking lot. Woman, sitting in the passenger seat due to her low tolerance for alcohol, looks at her sideview mirror and remembers she got the car – finally, right?! – washed today. Did the mirror get moved? She asks the man if he can see out of her mirror. He doesn’t answer. She waits. She calls his name. He responds with mild defensiveness. She sighs, “it’s just … exhausting!” She presses her palms against her face, hard, and wills herself not to cry.