Get Back & Get Happy

Get Back & Get Happy

(Started this post during the pandemic & abandoned it. Thank you, Alan Arkin, least of all for getting me to complete a post again.)

Years ago, I watched a long interview with Alan Arkin while on the treadmill at the gym. I know I was on the treadmill at the gym because I generally avoid interviews with actors, but the viewing choices on the guy tv were limited to soap operas, reality tv and this. I would say I have nothing against actors, but that’s not entirely true. Having been one, I kinda feel like I’ve had my fill of actors’ opinions. Totally unfair, I know. Actors’ opinions are just as valid as anyone else’s; I think I’m mostly bothered by the widespread belief, in this country at least, that fame makes you wise.

But Alan Arkin is a phenomenal actor, so I was willing to give him a bit of my attention. (Being talented makes you wise?) I only remember one thing he said, but I’ve remembered it for over a decade. I believe he was answering a question about working on Catch 22. He said something like, “of course we had a good time. We were making a movie together. How lucky are we? I find it so upsetting when I hear that The Beatles were fighting when making Let It Be, that they were angry and didn’t want to be there and hated each other. I mean, they were the most popular band of all time making some of the best music ever. If people can’t enjoy that, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

Please don’t hold me to the accuracy of that summary. I’ve likely made up 90% of it in the many times over the years I’ve recalled it.

Accurately or not, it stuck with me.

So, yeah, I watched all of the nearly 8 hour documentary series, and it was revelatory for me in many ways.

I first saw Let it Be as a kid. The Parkway Theatre in Chicago would show double or triple features all the time, and I’d frequently go for a cheap day out with my sister or my mom. They were typically grouped by theme – Westerns, horror movies – or creator – a Marx Brothers day, a Charlie Chaplin day, a Beatles day. I saw Let it Be when I was still in the single digits, and had a child’s view of the adults in the film: adult men at the end of a long, successful career. That was the first illusion pleasantly shattered by sitting down to the documentary tome. When was this made? I asked The Guy (a Beatles fanatic). “1969.Wait, so how old were they?

Ringo Starr was 28 when they recorded Let it Be. George Harrison was 25.

They were fucking children.

I had always remembered Let It Be as The Beatles in their 40s (as kids typically inflate adults’ ages), starting to settle down, ready to move on. While the latter may have been true, they were doing so with almost the entirety of their adult lives ahead of them. It must have been terrifying, the thought of walking away from the most successful musical act ever, the only thing you’d done as an adult, to see what else was out there. I think this can explain a lot of the tension and conflict that did exist in the crafting and recording sessions, though it seems, in the Get Back documentary, that tension was wildly exaggerated.

So many spiritual lessons can be taken from this. I’ll start with the most obvious: the reality presented to you by another person is only their reality, or the one they’ve chosen to present. It is not Truth. I’ll extend that to say that no one’s reality is the ultimate reality; reality is only the perception of reality. There is no secret actual reality untouched by perception or context. The effort to approach an unbiased picture of an event is important and admirable, but reaching that objective goal is impossible, just as perfection is impossible. Nothing but the ultimate Truths are truth, but that doesn’t mean we don’t keep striving towards a compassionate, comprehensive perspective. Get Back is not Truth, either, but in giving us more time with the band and their collaborators, we have more space to form our own truth. It is less curated and far more ambiguous; there are fewer heroes and villains and far more people involved.

But that’s just the beginning of the wisdom Get Back has to offer, folks.

First, and oh-so-illuminating for me, for me particularly as a writer, and not a collaborative one: the generosity and egolessness with which all the band members gave of their work, asked for help, offered suggestions, admitted frustration was just fucking gorgeous. The song and the quality of the song is what matters, not whose name is on it (or not so much). Maybe this wasn’t a big deal to you, but people raised by parents/siblings/etc. with narcissistic traits often have a greater need for approval – the approval is a measure of the self worth – so giving up credit or allowing others to contribute to something I do, with or without credit, can feel like failure. To just keep on giving and giving up like Lennon, McCartney, and Harrison do – I hope I reach that level of maturity someday. Both John and Paul later said they could never write as well without the other – that they “filled in the gaps” as Rocky so brilliantly described it.

Second, because it has to be said, is how little Yoko had to say or do with anything. She basically just sits there next to John whenever she’s around. Now to my tastes, that’s a little clingy and intrusive, but the intrusiveness never seems more than physical, and honestly the others in the band don’t seem bothered by it. Lots of people stop by during the recording sessions, and sometimes they’re right in the mix as well. As for her distracting qualities, Paul excuses John’s frequent guest and occasional disinterest with the patience of an elder: John’s in love and wants to spend time with Yoko. Again, this isn’t a middleaged, grizzled man who’d found someone to carry him through his twilight years – John was a young man in a new relationship.

Speaking of love, McCartney married Linda Eastman later the same year, and the mutual love and joy between him and his soon-to-be-daughter Heather is impossible to ignore. In so many ways, McCartney seems like the father of the group, moving them forward, bearing responsibility, and negotiating conflict with far more care and maturity than I can typically muster.

But to the point I started on, Alan Arkin, and most of us, had the wrong idea, cultivated from the previous documentary. These men clearly cared about each other, but beyond that they really enjoyed working together. They had fun. Playing songs over and over and over, they have fun; performing in front of an audience (if safely distanced), which they’d avoided for years, they had fun. Messing with lyrics and music and each other, they had fun. Joy is generative.

back to 2023…

I was, as Alan Arkin must have been if he joined us in this viewing experience, so happy to see how these guys actually were with each other. To see how much they clearly loved each other, and others. And to see the creative process – how they worked together and made suggestions and fucking played together. I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a space like that. Maybe some of those really good Steven Book improv classes – but that was at best, like, 5 minutes a week. These guys were grooving for months. And you do see the love, and patience, and forgiveness – that’s what most of it is. The animosity was the exception, as far as you can tell from this EXTENSIVE recording. The album did come out of love, and the performance on the roof was, just as you can see in the photos on the album, full of joy (and cold).

Can you create beauty out of hate? I suppose someone might toss up anti-war art or paintings as works of hate. But even if you look at Guernica or Wilfred Owen, those are works of love – love of the lives devastated and obliterated. The hate is a byproduct of the love. I’m not sure where you go with a band like Oasis – clearly great pop songs from miserable, hatefilled people, but is it beautiful? The Hare Krishnas, among others, believe that the state of mind or spirit with which the food is prepared becomes part of the food, so you should only prepare food with love and joy and eat food created in the same spirit. So also with art? I think, mostly? Give me anyone’s artistic inspiration and I can probably find a way to turn it into love, but that doesn’t mean I’m right. Is revenge art, heartbreak art, guilt art really out of love for what was lost more than hatred for what was left?

I suppose there are no absolutes. But art and joy and love feed off of each other more often than not. As much as I support the financial goals of SAG/AFTRA and the WGA, art is not about money. Money is a vehicle to support the creation of art, and generate more love and joy and understanding in the world.

Apocalypse Pfffffth

Apocalypse Pfffffth

So many people are so freaked out about the elections this week. If I allow myself to indulge in the lists of potential consequences of a Republican Congressional takeover, I am one of them. But the wider view has, weirdly, mitigated my fears quite a bit.

Our government has never been truly representative. In fact, outside of White men, most adults in the US have not been represented for most of our country’s existence. We passed the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts in the sixties, then spent the next two decades dismantling the path to democracy those laws laid out. Slashing the highest tax rates, union busting, the defeat of the ERA, the abolishing of the Fairness Doctrine, redlining, starting a war on drugs to incarcerate young Black men then denying them the right to vote once they’d been released. Let’s not forget AIDS and the stigmatization and abuse of LGBT folks and the legal right to deny them jobs and services. Just look at the 80s clothes and hairstyles and you can surmise the shittiness of the politics. There were no Good Old Days of American Democracy. There were better days than today, perhaps, and better days than what we fear is coming, but marginalized groups are much more visible now than they were in my childhood, and their voices are much easier to hear (sometimes even coming from positions of power), so is representation really diminished? Or just different?

And are we as a country so much worse now than we were 20 years ago? Or are our failures just more obvious? Trump didn’t create racism or xenophobia or conspiracy theories, he just welcomed them to the surface, and in doing so gave those people a sense of community. He made them feel loved. Twitter and Facebook loved them, too. And love makes you feel strong, and bold, and chosen, and driven. I don’t deny that there are people who would not have been raiding the Capital on January 6th if Trump and other liars hadn’t egged them on, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have been vulnerable to someone else, to another narcissist trying to profit off their vulnerability. Loneliness and fear make you easy pickings.

I agree that things are not great. I agree that every election seems more consequential than the one before. However, the threat is not as new as people pretend it is. There has been a war on Black and Native people going on pretty much ever since White people arrived here. Often on women and immigrants and Queer people as well. I’m not saying that BIPOC and LGBTQ folks aren’t concerned about this election, I’m saying that the unique terror of our times is really only unique if you come from a place of historical privilege. Is it the apocalypse?

The Jews had their apocalypse.

Native Americans had their apocalypse

African-Americans, too

The Irish had their apocalypse

The Armenians

The people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and Dresden

Gay men had their apocalypse

Our friends and our enemies, the extremists and the mainstream press, are all feeding our fears. Can we absorb the information without the stench that goes with it? Can we be motivated to vote without terror and hatred? I’m trying, and sometimes failing. Whatever happens with the numbers this week, I know what I have to do: say hi to folks I pass on the street, chat with the community at Peace House, meditate, spread joy, donate, participate, try really fucking hard to see god in everyone. Fear walls us off, and what we need now is connection to our people, and they are all our people. We can build communities of love the way Trump has built communities of hate, but not with hate as the foundation. Monsters come to life when we believe in monsters.

I want a good government more than I can express. I want housing and healthy food for everyone, and restorative justice and sustainable business practices and universal rights and healthcare and reparations and loving, honest education and disability justice and ALL OF IT. I vote for whatever will bring us closest to that whenever I can. But the government won’t heal us. We heal us. Disenfranchised communities have been caring for themselves forever. The more the powerful marginalize us, the more we can recognize our affinity and interdependence, and learn to lean on and support each other. I don’t want the US to become less democratic, but if it opens people’s eyes I’ll be there waving hello.

Get out and vote. Smile at the folks in line. Eat well. Be good to each other. Love,

You Are What You Love

You Are What You Love

I have a friend in the Twin Cities, a guy I performed with years ago, who is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met. It is always a joy to see him and it is not possible for me to wish anything but the best for him. At one point he made a comment about what a kind person I am, and rather than disillusion him with the reality of my day to day reactiveness to the vicissitudes of life, I realized, yes. Yes, of course he would think that I’m a kind, friendly, loving person because I am incapable of being otherwise with him. It’s as inconceivable as punching an affectionate puppy. And I reasoned that someone like him must have a far more positive view of humanity, because they are not getting the typical blowback that most of us experience on a regular basis in our grumpy or even neutral interactions in society. And how much, in turn, that must reinforce his naturally (whatever that means) loving behavior.

Some people simply bring out the best in us. I don’t think many would argue against that, but I do think a lot of us fail to fully embrace what that means: they bring out something that is already there. My friend doesn’t make me a better person, he creates a mini-culture around him in which that is the easiest and most acceptable way to be. He brings out my goodness; he doesn’t create it. He simply welcomes, embraces, and rewards it. I am lucky to have stumbled into several gracious, generous, joyful people like this in my life.

I attended a virtual retreat with Ram Dass’ Love Serve Remember foundation back in August and this idea came up several times – how friends loved and missed Ram Dass, but that the love he evoked in them was as present as ever. Krishna Das talked about how utterly devastated he was when Neem Karoli Baba (his and Ram Dass’ teacher) died, how difficult it was and how long it took for him to recognize that the love he found in Maharaj ji came exclusively from inside of KD, that the holy man didn’t manufacture anything in him that he didn’t already possess; that the absolute, unconditional love that all of the Maharaj ji’s followers say washed over them as soon as they met was never other than what they were always capable of, indeed what they inherently, effortlessly are.

Another excellent explanation of this is in Duncan Tressell’s gorgeous “Mouse of Silver” episode of The Midnight Gospel (on Netflix), in which his dying mother assures him that the love she has for him could not possibly leave with her; that it is eternally present in the world and there for him whenever he needs it. It made me feel like we have the potential to keep generating more love in the world, filling up empty and negative space with this endlessly rejuvenating and infinite resource, restricted only by our capacity to liberate it.

There’s a moment in one of my favorite films, Charlie Kaufman’s Adaptation, when the depressed of the Nicholas Cage twins brings up the time when they were teens and a girl pretended to be interested in the happier twin as a joke. But the latter didn’t take offense, and remembered his time with her fondly. He tells his brother, You are what you love, not what loves you. I always thought there was something profound about that statement, but honestly couldn’t get much of a handle on it. So an asshole obsessed with a good Samaritan gets credit for the benevolence of the one desired? But I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s the same idea as the stuff I’m talking about above. The act of love – not desire for dominance or ownership, but actual love – is what defines us. Our ability to love, to manifest love and draw out love and act out of love in the world is the best measure of what we are, what we have contributed to the world in our brief time in it.

It’s been a rough year for love. For me, anyway. I feel like I’ve been fighting against hate with almost every supposedly good thing I’ve done. So much of activism and politics is fueled by hatred and anger. I tried not to get wrapped up in it, but didn’t always succeed, and allowed what I thought was “important work” to take priority over the how of it all. With the election (almost) over and some more knowledge and experience under my belt, my 2021 will prioritize the motivation over the act, the being over the doing, to the extent that I can and as long as I continue to believe this is the path the follow.

I’ve lived long enough to know that change is the only thing I can count on, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get excited about the prospect of a stronger spiritual focus in the coming year. A joyful new year to all of you.

The Real You

VposeThere’s lots of talk about The Real You in meditation and Buddhism. Your true self. Try to imagine “you” without your history, your preferences, your intellect, your opinions, your habits, your neuroses, your body and all that’s associated with it. What have you got?

For me, whatever it is isn’t, like, a person. The closest definition I’ve found is Consciousness. If everything else is stripped away, what I’m left with is consciousness, perception, Emerson’s “transparent eyeball.” But is that really a me? It seems more like an us, which is probably the point. I’m okay with that as an abstract concept, and even as something to strive for (without striving, of course). But I find it hard to imagine being loved – as a friend, partner, comrade, as that nondescript consciousness. The only time it makes sense to me at all is with my dog, V.

Why do I love my dog? I can’t explain it. I am heartbreakingly overwhelmed with love for her, love that far exceeds her objective talents or qualities. I love her very existence, her essence, outside of anything she does for me (not much) or feels for me (ditto).

Or maybe it’s just her furriness. Her internal and external furriness, and the smell of her fur, and her tolerance of my curling up around her fur and smelling her fur.

Where does that leave The Real Me? Perhaps that mysterious entity is the thing that loves V, entirely and completely and unconditionally? I’d be good with that; better if I could be that unconditionally loving force to everyone. I’d be good even starting with anyone. If I can someday grant unconditional love and acceptance to any single human in my life, I’ll assume I’m on the right path. Universal acceptance is still countless hours of meditation or an intense psychedelic trip away.

What’s Wrong With Wanting to be Perfect?

perfectYou know how all those hippy-dippy new-agey pro-therapy weirdos are always saying you can’t really love someone else until you love yourself? I’ve always said I believe that, but to be honest, I never really understood the logic behind it. That started to change last winter, when the weather crept into my heart and I was filled with … I wasn’t sure what, but it manifested as anger, my fallback emotion. I was blowing up more than I have in years – particularly at Ben & the Dog. And while the specific trigger for my anger was at times a legitimate complaint, it did not justify the intensity of the reaction. Being, let’s say “blessed” with self-awareness and apparently benefiting from years of daily meditation (maybe? a little?), I didn’t revel in feeling angry the way I used to and I knew there had to be a personal reason for it. Continue reading “What’s Wrong With Wanting to be Perfect?”

So How Was DC, Ms. Judgment?

3-women-in-dc-cropNo angst to report, readers. I was wrong about pretty much everything. There was so little to criticize and I felt so little inclination to do so. I just couldn’t get past the love: it enveloped me and I was happy and everything was good.

It was all a beautiful mess, a modernist composition: not discordant, but unpredictable and unique. We managed to miss the rally — not because we were late, but because my group somehow concluded that it was not happening where it was obviously happening. That was more than fine, really. I’d rather be walking than standing, and we consequently weren’t crushed for more than five minutes the whole seven hours we were on The Mall. (And the speeches are on YouTube.) We marched in a march that wasn’t the actual march, then caught the real thing after we thought events were wrapping up. We all teared up multiple times. There were artistic and inspiring and clever signs. I met lots of great women (most of whom were from Kentucky — should I be living in Kentucky?). The collective event was greater than the sum of its parts, but even the parts were beautiful. Here is my personal scrapbook:

Continue reading “So How Was DC, Ms. Judgment?”